Tuesday 4 - What do you think?

1. What do you believe the purpose of life is?  
   
   I just don't know. Maybe I'll find out later in life, but I start to doubt it.
   
   Life feels like playing in a computergame of someone else. I have to learn things to stay myself. I have worked all my life for others...and it's like there is nothing in it for me. As I made a few wrong decisions that pulled me out of the game to the sideline. I married a man who turned out to be someone else. I gave up my carreer to care for the children. So I didn't earn enough money to do what I would love to do.
   
   All that happens is that I age and still have to care for others without proper return.
   If I would have become a nun, my life wouldn't have been too different. Less fuzz.
   
   Maybe the purpose in life is earning money...?
   
   I develope some wisdom along the way... but who cares?
   
   But purpose?
   Why there is a humanity?
   Why there are wars?
   Why there are such evil beings that I would cross my own borders of respect, non-violence and the lot more?
   
   
2. How do you handle stress ? What do you recommend to others who are stressed out?
   
   It depends on the stress.
   
   Some stress can be ignored... sometimes it disappears by itself.
   
   Other stress need attention. So I try to see what causes it, if it's rational, and what is the best way to solve it. I am lucky to be a creative problem solver.
   
   I try to divert my attention, if needed.
   
   And the past years I don't want to deal with the stress Mr. J. causes. 
   So when he comes home late from one of his sons I know he will have a bad mood the net three days. I try to ignore his remarks. I used to ignore his nasty remarks, but I'm not doing that anymore.
   So I turn the remark around and most of the times it bumps against one of his bad habits.
   
   The other week I was writing. He knows I give political advice. And he kept talking and I asked him to wait until I was ready.
   "Oh, are you trying to improve the world again?". The way he sounded it made it double as nasty.
   "Well, that's better than sitting in a chair all day and do absolutely nothing else than reading the news of other countries."
   I'm not ashamed anymore that I can lash back. Have been the lovely one all my life.
   I have found out that it evaporates the stress he causes.
   
   I have learned that a lot of stress is not necessary. You can't change the past, you can't change the future.
   So I try to live in the moment and be true to myself.
   I am aware how much stress I can have at a certain moment and I won't add more.
   Right now I am a few hours before the eyedoc. Kind guy. But they have found cataract and do they want surgery soon or postpone it? Need to go to the dentist too, but I hate the dentist...so it'll be later!
   
   
3. What enjoyable things do you wish you could do more often? How would it improve your life? 
   
   Well by now everyone knows I want to move.
   But money, money, money.
   
   So I want to sit in the garden more often.
   But I need the help of the sons to do some heavy work, and that's a problem.
   The back fence needs to be renewed. No money.
   And I want a gardenhouse that enables me to sit in there when it rains, and sleep in there when it is too hot in the house. The past year has been a terrible pain, so hot. So I want to be prepared better this year... but the assistance....
   
   How it imporved my life?
   Being away from Mr. J would be the best.
   
   
4. Do you believe in God?   Why or why not? 
   
   No. Certainly not in the all caring, everloving father we were told at school our God was.
   I couldn't believe it then. Asked how he could allow newborn babies to die and allow war in which innocent people were bombed. I think these questions were good, as I was kicked out of class.
   It's nice people ascribe human traits to a god, but I have always felt that was not right...to mold a god into an image you create yourself. So praying for divine intervention was never something I saw as the way I should deal with the concept. There is no god handing out good days, safe journeys, and everything else people pray for. You have to take your own responsibility and work careful and hard to get things accomplished.
   I had always lived within the rules of the law, always stuck to the rules of religion, I was always kind and caring, never asking something in return, etc etc. And yet my babygirl died the second day after she was born.
   None could answer my religious questions.
   I could not believe that there was a plan with me...or my little girl, and if there was, it was sick!
   
   So I took it as a learning opportunity and supported parents of babies who died and parents of high risk pregnancies as well as I could.
   But religion was out!
   
   One of my professors said the universe had to be brought in motion...that was a concept of God... the allmover.
   But who made the planetes and stars?..God? God the creator.
   And who made god?
   I remember the pure silence when I had asked that question.
   
   So it feels like being locked in in the game of someone or something else.
   Waiting for the next blow...
   dreaming about some nice things in live...
   and supporting others who are just as stuck between birth and death as I am.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

. . .

About **Syl

Syl: "Life is a chain of challenges. Sometimes the largest challenges are we ourselves. Facing life, facing others and facing yourself requires either a worryless attitude or plain courage. Most of the time it is dealing with judgement. Maybe life is about getting rid of it."